


Wormwoods and Always

by writeforselu



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Kink, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 11:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13340736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeforselu/pseuds/writeforselu
Summary: Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. But Sehun's clock seemed stuck.





	Wormwoods and Always

He was always pretty in Sehun’s eyes. Ethereal, breath-taking, lovely. He was just lovely, even as a child. Especially when he was a child. He was pure, like the color white. Refreshing, like the color green. Bright, just like the clear blue of the sky on a sunny day. But to Sehun, Luhan is always, always a yellow.

Yellow was his favourite color.

 

As the 18-year-old Oh Sehun stared at the old photograph of Luhan, tears threaten to form into his eyes. But he tried not to. And instead, he thought of the moments when Luhan was just lovely. Just like their first meeting. He was already lovely back then, adorable even, when they first met.

 

_ 12 years ago _

_ “Sehun, please stop crying dear.  And please come down, the misters are leaving already.” Sehun’s mother called little Sehun, who was still sitting inside of the moving truck they hired. _

_ At the tender age of six, little Oh Sehun had separation anxiety. Moving to a new neighbourhood is hard for the little boy, and as much as his parents wanted to avoid it, it was inevitable because of his father’s job. His parents struggled enough for their jobs and they think this is also the best for their child, who doesn’t seem to fit-in in his previous school. _

_ Wiping his snot with his sleeve, Sehun slowly gathered his little toys, put them in his cute little backpack, his Bambi stuffed-toy he loved oh so dearly was tucked in his small embrace, then descended from the truck with a pout in his lips. His mother slowly approached him and enveloped him into a tight hug to console the crying boy. _

_ “Don’t cry. You’ll make better friends here darling, hm? Just sit there for a while. Mommy needs to start bringing the boxes inside while your father isn’t here, okay? Okay.” Placing a kiss on Sehun’s forehead, she then disappeared inside with some boxes her arms can carry, leaving the little boy seated on the grass. _

_ Not far from where Sehun is sitting, a boy about Sehun’s age  was walking on the sidewalk with his trolley cart filled with flowers. Noticing the still-crying Sehun, he approached the boy. _

_ “Are you crying little boy?” asked the little boy at Sehun. _

_ Noticing the figure hovering above him, Sehun looked up, sniffed as he tried to see through the tears in his eyes. The first thing Sehun saw was the boy’s huge eyes that reminded him of his little Bambi stuffed toy in the confines of his arms. The other boy’s honey brown hair was curly at the edges and boy it was fluffy. It reminded Sehun of the clouds and made him want to play with it. He already forgot why he’s crying in the first place. Instead he wonders why there is a boy as beautiful as this one standing in front of him. _

_ Confusing the other’s silence for sadness still, the little doe then removed his yellow hanky scarf then knelt down in front of Sehun, wiping his tears away and some of his snot using the piece of cloth. _

_ “There, there! Shiny as new! Don’t cry little boy!” beamed the tiny doe. _

_ Sehun was taken aback; the other child looked adorable while smiling too. With the other’s bright smile, Sehun stopped crying and just stared at the other; wondering for a moment why the other boy kept calling him ‘little boy’ when he himself is also a little boy like Sehun. _

_ “My mama said I shouldn’t cry because I’m a big boy now, so don’t cry little boy!” with his cute tiny fist, the little doe held his fist in the air before breaking into a grin and sat beside Sehun. _

_ Still silent, Sehun didn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to make friends. He never had one before. Was he supposed to say something too? Should he return the yellow hanky the little doe lent to him? No, no he shouldn’t. It’s dirty now and full of his snot and the little doe might get disgusted with him and leave- _

_ “Why aren’t you saying anything? Are you still sad little boy?” asked he. _

_ Being shy as he usually is, Sehun wasn’t able to form words, contrary of the numerous thoughts running inside his little head, but instead he nodded at the other child’s statement. Looking down at his feet, he fought the urge to cry again. He was taken aback then when he felt a pair of lips on his wet cheek. _

_ “Lulu always kisses Mama’s cheek when she is sad. She says Lulu’s kisses have a magical power that makes her happy. Did it work for you too little boy?” asked the little doe. _

_ Before a flustered Sehun can answer, his mother appeared and saw a kid beside her now-calmed-down son. “Oh? Who might be this cute little deer?” she said as she approached the little two. _

_ “Hello ma’am! My name’s Luhan! I live on the yellow house over there! Little boy was crying so I sat beside him to cheer him up!” The little doe Luhan introduced himself and smiled at Sehun’s mother, the same smile he gave to Sehun earlier. _

_ “Really? Thank you little deer Luhan for accompanying my Sehun. Would you like to go inside with Sehun for some cookies?” _

_ “Thank you little boy’s mother, but my mama is expecting back the flowers I got. Next time I’ll drop by!” beamed the little Luhan as he stood up and dusted off the grass caught in his shorts. _

_ “Okay, see you next time little Luhan.” Sehun’s mother smiled and urged Sehun to say goodbye. _

_ But Sehun just watched the small boy’s back as he walked away with his trolley cart, little flowers leaving trail as Luhan walked towards his house. _

_ “What lovely child, that kid. Aigoo, my little boy is making a new friend now~ Good job Sehunnie.” His mother gave his head a soft pat before taking another box inside. _

_ With a hand still on his cheek where Luhan’s lips previously were, Sehun was in awe. He couldn’t agree more with his mother. Luhan was indeed, lovely. _

“Are you going with Mrs. Lu today?” Sehun’s mother asked the next day.

 

Halting his movements, Sehun put the box of cereal down and stared at his empty bowl a few moments before answering his mother. “Yeah, I’ll drop by after class.”

 

Sehun’s father, sitting by their dining table, glanced at his son from the side before resuming back in reading the morning paper. “It’s been six years, you’re still doing that? Instead of focusing in school and making new friends, you make that a priority.” he commented without looking at Sehun.

 

“Dear, please.” The woman squeezed her husband’s hand, halting any more comments regarding Sehun that will ignite another fight between the father and son.

 

“What? It’s true! It’s been six years, honey. He should’ve moved on from that. He’s already 18! I could’ve let it pass if he was still a child but he will start college soon! How will he get into a good university if he continues like this? I’m not working hard every single day at work just to let him slack off in school like that!” Sehun’s father tossed the paper at Sehun, hitting him in the head.

 

“Dear!” Sehun’s mother immediately stood from her seat, disappointment in her husband evident in her eyes. She turned to Sehun in concern and hurriedly approached the boy who stood frozen in his spot by the kitchen counter.

 

“Don’t mind your father, Sehun-ah, he’s just stressed from work. Just eat your breakfast then get ready for school, hm? When you drop by Mrs. Lu’s house give her my regards, okay?” the woman tried to console her son, but to no avail, Sehun didn’t budge, head still bowed down low.

 

“There! That’s why his head is getting big and keep on doing what he wants! You’re spoiling him again! You kept on consoling him, over and over again. Look how he turned out!” Sehun’s father continued then pointed at Sehun. “How can he function normally in the society if he lets one thing like that hold him back for so long? Is that how boys his age act? Having him as a son is the same as not having one at all! Goodness. Maybe he’s better off dead then, like Luhan.”

With clenched fists and tears forming in his eyes, Sehun gently shoved his mother’s hand away from his shoulder and turned to look at his father.  “You’re right father! Look at me! Look at how your only son turned out! You’re ashamed right?! You’re ashamed of your stuck-up son, your good for nothing son who did nothing but to disappoint you!”

“If only you were really there as a father I wouldn’t have turned out like this!” with Sehun’s last statement, his father abruptly stood from his seat out of anger; grabbed the nearest stool and almost hit Sehun if not for his wife who stood in the way.

 

“Honey! Please! Stop it!” the poor woman in between begged at her husband and pulled her son back. “Sehun, just go up to your room and I’ll talk to your father. Please, dear.” His mother started to cry, halting him and his father’s argument. 

 

“If it weren’t for your mother I would’ve beaten you to death long ago to put some sense it that brain of yours. You only bring despair in this family.” His father muttered under his breath after putting down the chair.

 

“Maybe, maybe I am better off dead like Luhan, just like you said.” Crest-fallen than ever, Sehun ran out through back door out in the pouring rain, ignoring his mother’s cries calling after him.

 

Sehun didn’t notice but unconsciously, his feet brought him to the cemetery where Luhan is buried. The rain was merely a drizzle when he got there. But Sehun is all wet from the heavy downpour earlier. He was barefoot and still in his pyjamas, an old tee shirt and his comfy sweats. 

 

Since he’s now here, he decided to visit and spend some time with Luhan. He can’t come home while his father is still there. He will definitely kill Sehun if he goes home now, maybe after he leaves for work. He’ll apologize later to his mother. For his father? He’ll think about it.

Insulting Luhan on his death anniversary isn’t something Sehun will take lightly.

 

Pushing open the old rusty metal gate, Sehun walked on the path covered with wet fallen leaves and small puddles formed on the spot where the cement once was. There weren’t any people around, considering it’s still early in the morning, too early for someone to visit a cemetery. He walked a few more, past rows and rows of tombstones with untrimmed grasses and bushes around.

Arriving at his destination, Sehun took a seat near Luhan’s tombstone. He brushed off the leaves surrounding the area with his hand and took a good look at the tombstone.

 

“Hey, Lu.” Sehun said, and was met with silence. 

He found the silence here comforting, knowing Luhan was here somewhere, rather than in school where most people ignore him and treat him like he’s invisible. Those people misunderstood his shyness for indifference. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t indifferent, he was just shy. And his cold exterior didn’t help with the situation. Unlike other kids who outgrow their initial shyness, Sehun held onto his until it became him. He was different, he knew it himself. He tried coping up with every new environment he was faced with, he tried really hard. It just wasn’t easy for Sehun to open up to people. Growing up, he had Luhan. Luhan was the exception. With Luhan, he opened up willingly, without second thoughts whatsoever. He didn’t need another friend. Luhan was enough.

 

“How have you been, Lu? Are you well? It’s been a while since I last visited. Look, wormwoods and wild daisies started to grow on you. It suits you though, I know how much you love plants around you. Sorry, I forgot to bring some flowers today. I was kinda in a hurry.” Sehun laughed humourlessly before continuing.

“Nah, you got me. I ran away from home. I got into another argument with my father. Again, just like every other damn day. He was always like that, lashing out his frustrations at me. And you know me, Lu. You know I don’t take his words to the heart much. But he talked bad about you, Lu. He said something about you. That’s why, that’s why I couldn’t hold back any longer.”

 

Sehun tried to smile, fighting back the forming tears. “I’m not crying, you see. I’m a grown-up.” He popped his lips on ‘p’. “And I know you don’t like seeing people cry. Because … because… you said it makes you sad too and you want to give them a hug to ease the sadness somehow.”

 

And when Sehun can’t take it, he let the tears fall down his cheeks one by one as he stared at the piece of stone where Luhan’s name was engraved. “God, I miss you Luhan! I miss you, every day. Every. Single. Damn. Day. Still. I miss your smile, your laugh, and it hurts. I just, miss you, Lu. It’s been years, but I remember that day clearly, like it happened yesterday. I can’t forget. I couldn’t.”

 

Sehun tried not to think of  _ that day. _ The pain in his heart kept on escalating into something bigger, something more unbearable, with every tear he’s shed. “Losing you, I lost half of myself. You’re my best friend, Luhan. You promised you’ll be there. You promised always, Lu. You promised. But,”

 

Sehun choked back a sob. But when a raindrop fell again on his face, one after another, then another, until it started to pour again, he let it all out. He cried and cried just like how he did during Luhan’s funeral. He cried so much he didn’t know how to stop.

 

“But you’re not here anymore, Lu. You’re not here anymore. You left me. All alone.” Sehun said in a small voice he knew Luhan would have still heard. His cries got muffled by the continuous downpour as he stared at the gray clouds that brought the rain.

  
  


No one understood him like Luhan did. No one tried like Luhan. 

 

No one.

  
  


No one.

Sehun spent hours and hours on the cemetery and lost track of time. He was staring into nothing when Mrs Lu arrived. Worried at the young boy’s state, Mrs Lu insisted to bring home Sehun after giving Luhan the greeting. When Sehun declined, Mrs Lu’s words were ‘Luhan would understand. He wouldn’t want to see you like that, Sehun’. He then changed his mind.

His mother was worried sick and immediately hugged Sehun when he appeared on the doorstep, whispering apologies when Sehun should have been the one apologizing for his outburst that morning. While his mother and Mrs. Lu were having tea, exchanging regards and reminiscing about Luhan; Sehun retreated back into his room and plopped down his bed, falling into a deep slumber as exhaustion took over his consciousness. A tear escaped from his eye as he dreamt of Luhan.

_ “Don’t cry, little boy.” _

 

Sehun always wondered what Luhan would look like if he was still alive right now. Will he still look the same? Will his body change like Sehun’s? Will he be as adorable as he was as a kid or will he be manly?  Will he be taller than Sehun? Will he be the same little kid who stuck by Sehun’s side? All these questions became irrelevant to Sehun as he stared back at the big doe eyes he missed so much. The owner of the said pair of eyes is currently sitting down on the edge of Sehun’s bed, just like how he used to when he was still alive. 

“Hey, little boy~ you haven’t changed. You still drool in your sleep.” Luhan smiled at the wide-eyed Sehun, who still couldn’t grasp what is happening.

A part of Sehun believes it is Luhan, with those big doe eyes and sunshine-like smile while calling him ‘little boy’, it was the same as he remembered. But a part him doesn’t believe what he’s seeing. Because Luhan’s dead and he can’t be here right now, sitting calmly in front of him like nothing happened. Being Sehun, of course the former thought had won the argument. 

 

Without much thinking, Sehun threw himself towards Luhan, wrapping both of his arms around the other’s small frame.

 

“Wait- Sehun! No! We’re gonna fall! We’re gonna- ugh!” Luhan’s words were muffled by a choke the moment his back hit the floor. 

 

Worry ran through Sehun’s mind. Shifting away the covers strangling his body, he found Luhan underneath. His eyes were closed, body unmoving. Sehun’s hand fell to his sides.

No.

  
  


No.

  
  


No, no, no, no no. Is this a nightmare? Is it another one of those where Luhan—

 

“BOO!” Luhan sprang up all of sudden, in a pose where he was supposed to scare an already-scared (in a different kind of scared)-Sehun.

 

“…”

 

Luhan then burst into fits of laughter. “Oh my gosh! You should’ve seen your face!! You look funny Sehun! It’s like you’ve seen a  _ ghost _ !  _ Well technically I’m a ghost but, I’m not the scary ones like the ones from the movies. _ ” Muttering the last part, Luhan clutched his stomach as he continued to laugh while Sehun just plainly stared at him. 

 

_Even his laugh is the same._ _I must be dreaming._ Sehun thought. He just watched Luhan laugh his ass off; make fun of him or what. But as long as he can see the wrinkles in Luhan’s eyes again every time he laughs, it’s worth it. It was all worth it. God, Sehun will do everything for that smile. He missed that damn smile so much that looking like an idiot was nothing.

 

After what seemed like forever, Luhan’s laughter died down when he noticed the silenced other. “What? Why are you staring at me like that?”

 

“L-Luhan? I-is.. Is that really you??”

 

Sehun just noticed, but the Luhan he’s facing now, the Luhan in front of him now is different. He got all excited earlier and reacted without much thinking, everything was an act on impulse. He just went towards Luhan when he got the chance and falling off the bed made him ‘sober’. Now that Sehun gave it a thought and a good look, Luhan still looks the same, but different, somehow? Well he’s Luhan. But the Luhan he remembers was at the age of 12. It’s been six years. A lot has changed. Sehun had changed. Physically, yes( mentally? No.) Suffice to say, he grew up. And the Luhan here, he’s like the 18 year-old version of the adorable 12 year-old Sehun remembers every single day. It confused Sehun to the deepest pits of earth. He really must miss Luhan so much that he even dreamt of how Luhan will look like at 18.

 

“Of course! Who do you think am I? I’m the only son of my mama, dumb-ass!” Luhan snickered and crossed his arms across his chest.

  
  


“This must be a dream.” Sehun muttered as he stared right into Luhan’s eyes, those eyes he always thought of every single day. It feels unreal.

 

“Eh? You just woke up, silly. How can you say that? I just watched you sleep and drool—” Luhan was cut off mid-sentence; Sehun held him in some form of tight embrace, head buried at the crook of Luhan’s neck.

 

“You’re really here. I really am dreaming.” Sehun whispered. For the second time that day, his tears disobeyed him as they started to pool around his eyes.

 

“You’re not.” Was all Luhan said as his hand started to pat Sehun’s hair gently.

 

“But, you’re dead, Lu.” Sehun hated the words coming out of his mouth, but he had to. And something painful tugged at his chest.

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then, I’m here now, Sehun. Always.”

Sehun didn’t mind. Sehun never asked questions. Sehun just let it happen, it doesn’t matter. It’s Luhan we’re talking about. Only Luhan matters, this is Luhan, Sehun’s Luhan. His Luhan. Luhan’s here. As long as he’s here, it is enough for Sehun. Even if he’s not the living, breathing Luhan.

 

They spent the entire evening talking, catching up like old friends do, like they used to. In the 6 years Luhan’s been dead, this was the first time Sehun talked so much that his jaw ached; he had to pause for a while. There’s not much to tell really, but being the invisible one in school sometimes has its perks. Sehun became observant, not that he wanted to but because that’s what he often does at school. Observe, looking from afar at the other students mingling with each other, while he on the other hand sat on the corner alone. Sehun spends his every day at school like that.

He was in the middle of telling this story about his classmate Chanyeol when Sehun noticed Luhan’s silence. His expression somewhat resembled pity, and regret? Sehun wasn’t sure of the latter. Luhan then looked around Sehun’s room and his eyes settled for their old photo by the lamp near Sehun’s bed.

“Sehunnie. Why do you still keep that?” Luhan asked, eyes not leaving the picture frame.

 

“Huh? Why? What’s with the sudden question?” confused, Sehun’s eyebrows formed a frown.

 

“Nothing. It’s just that, it’s old. That’s all.”

 

“Yeah it’s old, but.. That’s our last photo together.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sehun.” Luhan tried to smile to comfort the other, but as Sehun continued to stare at Luhan, he can tell that that smile wasn’t meant to comfort him. It was a smile for Luhan himself, to convince himself that everything’s okay when he’s completely aware of the effect of his death to Sehun.

 

Sehun just reached for Luhan’s hand and brought it his cheek. Closing his eyes, feeling the ‘warmth’ emanating from Luhan that he oh so craved for so long. “Like you said, you’re here. That’s all that matters.”

 

Luhan didn’t respond to the statement, instead, he said “You should sleep now, you have classes tomorrow. I don’t want you to be late or something.”

 

“Will you still be here tomorrow?” Sehun almost sounded hesitant asking the question. If this was a dream, he wouldn’t want to wake up from it.

 

“Yes. And tomorrow. And the next day, and the next after that. I promised ‘Always’, didn’t I?” Luhan assured the other, and then lied down next to Sehun as they gazed at each other’s eyes.

 

Contented with Luhan’s answer, Sehun then closed his eyes, falling asleep in the most peaceful slumber he got in six years.

  
  


Sehun was still not speaking to his father. His feelings were still hurt. He avoided his father, considering they live in the same roof. It wasn’t hard. He doesn’t eat breakfast in the dining area, the memories of their fight there still fresh in Sehun’s mind. He just buys bread on the bakery on the way to school. When he gets home, he usually goes straight to his room. He doesn’t go out for dinner too and this upsets his mother greatly. He doesn’t want to do this to her too but he would much rather be the one to distance himself than to give his mother the mental torture of choosing between him and his father. He knows all too well that she can’t. He would either eat before going home or go down in the middle of the night to eat when his parents are already asleep.

Sehun wasn’t ready yet to face his father. Not yet, maybe someday, some other time but not anytime soon. Not when every waking moment he sees Luhan at the edge of his bed, smiling. Luhan is here and Sehun is often reminded of the words his father used to hurt him. ‘Dead like Luhan.’ It often crossed his mind too, death. Maybe if he died, he’ll be with Luhan now. He decided to talk to Luhan about it one night.

 

“Hey, Lu.” Sehun stopped munching on the apple he got in the kitchen earlier and looked up to his best friend, whose lap served as a pillow to him.

 

“Hm?” Luhan responded with a smile as he continued to play with Sehun’s locks.

 

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Sehun paused for a while, trying to figure out how to say the words as Luhan waited patiently.

 

“About what?”

 

“Should I just die?”

 

“W-what?” Hearing the last word, Luhan stopped what he was doing on Sehun’s hair and stared at the other, expecting a punch line or something. But he was met with Sehun’s expectant eyes, like what he just said wasn’t something heavy to take on.

  
  


“You see, if I’m dead, we can be together now!” Sehun now sat up, excitement emanating through his eyes, which the other did not clearly reciprocate.

 

“Isn’t what we have now not enough, Hunnie?” Luhan tried to reason with Sehun; yes he loves seeing the smile on Sehun’s face but not like this, not because of this.

 

“N-no- I mean yes! But Lu, all these years your memories were the only thing that kept me going.” Sehun confessed and held Luhan’s hand, looking sincerely that Luhan almost forgot what they were talking about.

 

“But I’m here now Sehunnie! Isn’t that enough?” Putting his other hand on top of Sehun’s, Luhan thought the other would just give it up. But Sehun withdrew his hand, his head hung low.

 

“You don’t understand Lu. To me, you’re the only thing that matters. Yes having you now is enough. But I have no assurance until when you’ll be here with me! I don’t want to lose you the second time. I can’t. I don’t know if I can go through with that again. I can’t Lu, I can’t withstand that. For the past six years, I barely survived the pain of losing you. How every day I long to see your smile again, to hear your laughter, to experience life with you, only to get crushed every single day with the reality that you’re not here anymore! Because no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t forget you, Luhan.”  When Sehun lifted his head, tears were already pooling from his eyes.

Luhan can only imagine the pain the other went through, but he knows this is not right. He had to be the stronger one, the rational one, for Sehun. Even if his existence doesn’t have a rational reason. Clenching his fists, even if it hurts him more, he said the words “You’ll move on Sehun.”

 

Sehun let out a sarcastic chuckle and shook his head. “Easy for you to say. You weren’t the one left out.”

 

“You think it’s easy for me Sehun?! You think it’s easy for me to be here watching you be like this?? If I had the choice I wouldn’t leave you! I didn’t die because I wanted to, Sehun. You know that.  

 

And now it breaks my heart because seeing you like this. Because of me you wanted to give up your life when I was barely able to live mine. I don’t know if coming back for you is even worth it.”

Suddenly, Sehun’s window opened from the sudden burst of wind. His curtain created a barrier between him and Luhan and when it cleared, there was no Luhan anymore in front of him.

“Luhan!” Sehun screamed in the dark as his tears went down; reality hitting him once again in the form of the void Luhan’s ghost had left in his heart.

Sehun thought Luhan would be back the next day. He already had his apology in his head, after much thinking, he realized Luhan’s right. He barely lived a life and Sehun should live his, and make the most out of his borrowed time with Luhan too. But when he opened his eyes, there was no Luhan at edge of his bed waiting for him.

It’s okay, maybe he’s still cooling his head off. He’s stubborn like that, Sehun thought. But even after a few days, Luhan never came back.

  
  
  


The sadness took its toll on Sehun. On some mornings, he wakes up, muttering Luhan’s name, looking for Luhan but was always met with the silence. Without Luhan, the mornings seemed colder than usual and Sehun couldn’t bear it. He feels all gloomy inside. He didn’t feel like going to school but the silence in his room suffocates him and is enough to make him get out of bed. He never made up with his father too. He avoided him and his father in return did the same. On the rare occasion that they stumble upon each other, one always acts like the other is not there, be it Sehun first or his father. On the few times that Sehun’s mother was able to convince him to eat at the dining table, his father always made remarks about Sehun’s behaviour, be it at home or his declining school grades, in the end Sehun never ate again at their dining table.

Sehun often cried himself to sleep too, calling Luhan, apologizing. Sometimes in school too, when he’s out of it and a tear suddenly escapes his eye because he suddenly remembered Luhan. The littlest things reminded him of his best friend, and he ends up in a stall in the bathroom, crying alone, therefore missing most of his class. His tears weren’t the only ones that are declining in Sehun’s life.

 

A month after, Oh Sehun was officially a mess.

 

His mother knocked on his door one day, when he decided that school is too much for him and stayed at his room all day, which fuelled his father’s disappointment in him. He always was disappointed in him, another reason won’t hurt anymore, Sehun thought.

 

“Sehun. Can I come in?” he can hear his mother’s gentle voice from behind the door.

 

Sehun wanted to say no, but it’s been a few weeks since he last saw his mother properly. He suddenly felt guilty with what he’s doing all this time. But he can’t bring himself to be the son he never was. A filial one.

So he decided to cover himself with his blankets when he heard the door open. He can’t face his mother too.

 

“Are you sleeping dear?” Sehun felt the bottom of his bed dip, where his mother now sat. Sehun didn’t answer; instead he just listened to his mother’s voice. “Mom’s worried about you. You haven’t had a proper meal for weeks. You’ve been missing a lot of school too lately, not that I mind, your father does.  And I miss seeing my son’s face too.”

 

“Is it still about the problem with your dad? I already talked to him dear. He promised to not say anything anymore. So please, at least with me, would you like to have something to eat?” The sadness laced in his mother’s voice was too much for him to take, so Sehun slowly pulled his blanket down to reveal his face to his mother, whom he dearly missed.

 

Sehun wasn’t ready yet but seeing his mother smile after seeing his face was worth it. It made him miss the meals he wished he ate, at least for the sake of his mother. He got up from bed and followed his mother downstairs, not before taking one last glance at his room, at the picture of him and Luhan, for the last time hoping that Luhan would come back to him. Only the wind did.

 

His mother watched him as he ate. Being nurturing and loving to her only son as always. She talked about the other mothers she meets during the day, amongst other things, even if Sehun was only half listening due to his hunger he himself didn’t even realize because he was stubborn like that. His mother only talked about good things, mostly. Never once the topic of his fight with his father ever came up again.

Sehun was on his third serving of rice when something that his mother had said caught his attention.

 

“What do you think of moving back to Seoul, Sehun-ah?”

“ _ What _ ? M-move back to Seoul? W-why?” Sehun slowly looked up from his food then to his mother, suddenly all-ears and eyes focused on his mother.

 

“Your father and I, well we talked about it a few days ago. Your father got reassigned back to the main branch, back in Seoul. And with your current state in school, your father’s worried that you won’t be able to go to college. He has a friend in Seoul who works in a university, he can make some arrangements for you there-”

“No.”  Sehun sternly said. They can’t move back to Seoul. No. What if Luhan comes back and finds this place empty? He wouldn’t be able to find Sehun in Seoul. It’s big, and knowing Luhan, ghost or not, is always bad with directions.  And Sehun won’t be able to look for him there. They won’t find each other.

 

Besides, Luhan is here. His grave his here. Sehun won’t be able to visit if he moves away. Their memories are here too, Sehun can’t lose that too.

 

“Please understand Sehun, we’re doing this for you. I know you’re having a rough time. You’re not doing any better too in school, so moving might be a good idea. Please dear, if not for your father, do it for me.” His mother held on his hand tight, her eyes begging Sehun.

 

“N-no, mother. Please. I’ll be good now, I’ll make up with father tonight, if that’s what you want. I-I’ll I’ll go to school now starting tomorrow, I’ll study harder. I’ll be a good son. Just please let’s not move to Seoul. Please..” Sehun’s tears started to fall as he begged his mother too, he even fell down to his knees. He’ll do anything, anything to convince his mother.

 

“Sehun, dear. Don’t make it hard for me.” His mother tried to make him stand but to no avail, Sehun firmly kneeled.

Wiping his tears, he gazed back to his mother, hoping that she’ll see his sincerity in his eyes and consider. “Please, mother. I can’t move back to Seoul. Lu-luhan’s here. His memories are here, I can’t lose that. That’s the only thing I have left.”

 

“Sehun, it pains me seeing you now, like this. I understand you cherish Luhan so much, even after all these years he’s gone. But, dear you have to let him go. It’s about time. For his sake, for yours. Staying here prevents you from doing that. You have to move on, son. I only ask this of you, my dear. This is the only thing I ask of you.” She wrapped her arms around her son as she sobbed gently; seeing her son like this wasn’t something that a mother would like her son to be when there are many opportunities life has to offer, while Sehun is throwing it all away because of Luhan.

 

“I’m sorry mother. But I can’t let go of Luhan.” Sehun said, breaking free from his mother’s embrace and ran back to his room, desperately calling for Luhan to come back.

 

“Luhan! Luhan! Please come back to me! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry for what I said! Please, Lu. Come back!” Sehun didn’t mind if his mother hears him shout, all he wants is to see Luhan again, be with Luhan again no matter what. He can’t leave this house, he can’t leave this place. Most importantly, he can’t leave Luhan.

 

“Luhan! Please! Come back to me! Come back to me Lu…” Sehun fell down to his knees, sobbing greatly as he called for Luhan. 

  
  


“Luhan.. please.. where are you... I need you, Lu.. Please…”

Disappearing from Sehun wasn’t what Luhan would have wanted. He only borrowed a small fraction of time to be with Sehun again but here he is invisible to Sehun. 

It took Luhan all of his strength to fight his urge to appear again to Sehun many times but he knows this is the right decision. He thought Sehun would be better if he shows up. But he was wrong. It only made Sehun drown deeper into his misery. Looking at Sehun cry, broken, made Luhan regret everything. He thought he would be able to help Sehun move on little by little, even lying when he said  _ ‘always’,  _ but when Sehun said he wanted to die for Luhan, it just didn’t feel right. He wanted to be with Sehun, but not in that way. Not when Sehun had a choice to live and experience life, life that was taken away from him at such an early age. There is more to life, he wanted Sehun to realize.  _ There is more to life out there, other than me.  _

 

As much he doesn’t want Sehun to forget him, it is the right thing to do. They don’t live in the same world now. Sehun has to live his life without Luhan. Watching him for weeks since disappearing from his sight, Sehun didn’t get any better. He wasn’t any better. Sehun had become worse. Even worse than the state Sehun was initially before Luhan appeared. Luhan hated himself for that. Everywhere Sehun goes, there is something that reminds him of Luhan, Luhan realized. This house, this place is full, too much even, of memories of him. 

 

Without thought, Sehun became a prisoner in Luhan’s memories. This is what Luhan hated himself for, of all things. Luhan wanted to set Sehun free, free from the shackles that bounds Sehun back. But he didn’t know what to do. So the only choice he had is to disappear again. Regret was now his companion. He realized, appearing before Sehun once again is a selfish decision. Now, he can’t take it back. He only watched Sehun, being invisible to him, every single day and night. As much as it hurts, he’s hoping that one day Sehun will wake up different, ready to forget him. He’ll wait no matter how long it takes.

  
  


And when Luhan heard Sehun’s parents talking about moving back to Seoul one day, he couldn’t agree more with them. 

 

Watching them move away is the most heart-breaking thing Luhan had ever did. Along with him, their memories, the Oh household’s old home, and a box full of Luhan’s stuff that Sehun hid for the past years are now left behind, and Luhan hopes, Sehun’s grief was one of them.

  
  


It is the best decision for Sehun. Because Sehun has something Luhan has not.

  
  
  


A future. 

  
  


And it’s a future he is not a part of.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I was able to live up even just the slightest bit of your expectation for this prompt. Sorry it wasn't good enough :(( but I hope you'll like it even just a little. To HunHan and infinity!


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